In this episode, we dig into the 9 elements of a conversation which is about how we can have a meaningful discussion. This episode is the second part of a two-part series on communication. This one covers The Resolution Roadmap and it helps us understand how we can have a difficult conversation with others.

The Resolution Roadmap

It is about learning, clarifying and understanding the opening, conversation and completion of a dialogue.

Opening

• Issue: At first, you need to learn what the issue is. Share or discover the challenges by asking or telling explicitly.
• Example: Seek to clarify by giving a specific situation or example. Instead of being generic, you will have to specifically mention the challenges and the issues.
• Concern: Share your concern without accusing the other party. Make sure that they understand what the concerns are.

Conversation

• Importance: They should understand why it is important for us to have a good resolution. Create a dialogue where you connect and explain what the importance is.
• Personal: Clarify the personal side of it without them feeling attacked. Allow them to own the issue and you should also own what you brought to the situation. Take the responsibility of your contributions and you will have the ability to shift it.
• Listen: Give them the opportunity to voice their understandings and concerns. You need to listen, see where it goes without interrupting and don’t get caught in the details.

Completion

• Curiosity: After hearing their positions and concerns, you have the opportunity to tell them where they are not right. But instead of keeping score or attacking them with words, you can use language patterns which tells them that you are curious and you want to understand the situation better.
• Resolution: In some cases, we might need to dictate a resolution; but to create something that is embraced by people, we need to jointly come up with a solution. This is how you find a meaningful resolution.
• Agreement: After creating a resolution, come to an agreement so that you can move forward. At the end, the needs of all the people invested in the conversation should be met.

— Begin Transcript —

Hey there, I’m Mel Abraham, the author of the #1 best-selling book, The Entrepreneur’s Solution and the founder of Business Breakthrough Academy, where we teach you how to design a business and create a life: A life of financial freedom and peace of mind.

And welcome back to this episode of The Entrepreneur’s Solution show and in this episode we’re going to continue from the last episode. We were talking about: The Concept of High Stakes Communication and having that difficult conversation. And in the last episode, we talked about the pre-conversation planning process and I gave you the three stages of conversation and my three stages planner.

In this episode, we’re going to actually dig into the 9 Elements of The Conversation.

How do you really have that conversation?
How do you create a meaningful conversation?

And this conversation can be a negotiation, a mediation, a challenging employee or team member that you need to deal with; it could be relationships. So, right after we come back from this brief introduction, we’ll jump into that difficult conversation—what I call The Resolution Roadmap.

And if you want to download The Resolution Roadmap tool, you just go to MelAbraham.com/session041 and you’ll be able to download that. And if you’re not at your computer, go ahead and just text MYLEGACY one-word no-spaces to 38470. I will see you back here, right after this brief introduction. See you soon. Bye.

Hey there, I’m Mel Abraham. Welcome back to this episode of The Entrepreneur’s Solution and as I said, we’re going to continue our chat about this concept of communication. I really think that communication is the greatest skill that we can nurture. Our ability to communicate can solve the world’s ills, the problems, society’s problems, the dissension.

If we learned how to communicate effectively, we can move mountains with it. And I think that we don’t give it enough weight, enough attention and we take it for granted that we are communicating effectively in relationships, in business—whether it’s customer relationships, vendor relationships, team relationships.

And so, in that last episode, we talked about, “How do you plan for that high-stakes conversation?” that difficult conversation. And I gave you the framework that I use to go through what I call the 3 Stages of a Conversation. And in this episode, I want to give you The Resolution Roadmap. It’s actually, what does it take to go into this conversation?

Now, I’ve done the planning. Now, I’m sitting across the table from:

• A board of directors that I’m negotiating with.
• A banker that I’m negotiating with.
• A company that I’m thinking of buying.
• A mediation to try and resolve a dispute.
• Or an employee or team member that we’re trying to have a difficult conversation because it was an issue that came in.
• Or a vendor that has a challenge.
• Or maybe, a spouse that maybe, we’re trying to deal with a difficult situation with.

And so, how do we have that conversation? And so, this is the framework that I use to really understand that and to put that into play.

And one of the things that I look at is: First, I need to understand. I need to learn what is going on and there’s three elements to that which we’re going to talk about. I need to clarify some things within the conversation and I need to understand some things within the conversation. And in that process, it’s really about:

• The opening of the conversation.
• The conversation, the meat of the conversation itself.
• And then the completion, the conclusion of the conversation.

And so, there’s nine elements that I think that we ought to look at and think about making sure that they are implicit and explicit in the dialogue that we’re having with this other party, with these other people in that conversation.

And the first is to learn what the issue is.

To understand what their challenges are. To be able to state that and say, “Hmm, what are the issues?” And maybe you don’t know and it’s okay to not know. Then, we need to ask and sometimes we can get that if we plan it right as we talked about in the last episode. But if we don’t know, let’s get clarity on it right now.

So, clarify what the issues are. Now may be, I do know and I sit down in front of someone and I say, “Listen, here’s what’s going on and I think that the issue is”, and I’m going to be that explicit, “I think the issue is that we need to … that you keep showing up late to the office and other people are having to pick up your work. So let’s understand what’s causing this issue.” But I’m going to be that explicit.

We can’t, when you have a challenging conversation, we can’t beat around the bush. Let’s just be direct but be direct not from a stabbing standpoint but be direct from trying to understand.

And then, we want to seek to clarify.

And so, what is challenging is when you have a conversation with someone that, where they use all inclusive terms. Where they say, “Well everyone says this or everyone does this.”

No, specifically who is everyone?

Because everyone doesn’t do it. And in most cases, in order to clarify, we want to give a specific situation. So, “You know what? You’ve been coming into the office late. For instance: Just last Thursday, I noticed that you didn’t come in till 10 o’clock and you were supposed to be here at 9 and you had people that were waiting from [9:30] to 10 o’clock and I’m not sure I understood why.”

But see what I did is I gave them a specific occurrence of that versus some generic or general pan of, “Well this is what happens.” And when you give that specific, it starts to at least clarify in their mind what the challenge is or what the issue is, and they can identify with it.

Now, I’m not going to accuse them. I’m seeking to understand because if I accuse them, what are they going to do? They are going to dig their heels and they’re going to get defensive and they’re going to give you excuses. I need to understand before we can make any judgment or have a real conversation which means that, that’s where the understanding comes in.

Where I turn around and say, “So, here’s my Concern because I don’t understand why you keep showing up late. My concern is that it’s polarizing the rest of the team with respect to you. It may be, that may be there’s some things going on in your life that I’m unaware of that maybe I can support and help you with. Are there?”

And so, through this whole process, this is the opening of the conversation. We’re getting clarity on the issue. We’re making sure they understand what the concerns or the issue are. We’re giving them some specific examples of what it is that we’ve seen that’s causing us to do this. And we’re showing concern from a perspective of trying to understand what that, what is going on here.

So, then once we’ve got that opening piece done, we can then look at it and say, “Alright, now let’s make sure they understand why it’s so important to us, to have resolution and a good resolution on this.” And it is to, in this case maybe it is because we want to create a cohesive team and if I allow you to continue to do this, we start to become a divisive team and if I allow it, then they’re going to say, then at the same time they’re going to look at me and say, “There is no consistency amongst the team members and how I treat the team members.”

And so, understanding that what we want to do is make sure that there is clarity as to:

• Why it’s important, and
• What the importance is.

Because they may not understand in their world why it’s so important. Let’s make sure that we’re clear and remember, this is not a monologue; this is a dialogue. It’s a conversation. That’s two people connecting or more than one person connecting at least.

Then we clarify the personal side of it. I don’t want to make it personal in one sense, in the sense that if I make it personal, they may feel attacked, but I do want to personalize it in a sense of making, allowing them to own it and own that they, that there’s an issue there. But at the same time, I need to own what I brought to the situation also because maybe it’s me that has done something; that is causing this issue that has come about.

And so, I at the same time, need to own it and be able to say, “You know what? I totally get it that I’m contributing it because, contributing to it because I have called you a couple of times to go and stop on your way into the office and they don’t realize that, that’s the case. And you’re coming in late, they see you coming in late, but you know what? I contributed to it because I called you and said, “Stop over here and pick this up and do this.”

So, I need to own it just the same. So, we need to own our share and let me be clear here. This is not about placing blame and sometimes when people say, “Well own it.” That’s about blaming someone. I said, “No it’s about being responsible” and saying, “I’m responsible for whatever I brought to this situation.”

• It may a small piece.
• It may be a huge piece

But I’m responsible for it because the importance of that is until I am willing to take responsibility for whatever contribution I made to this situation, I can’t change it. But as soon as I take responsibility I have the ability to shift and change it.

And now, I need to then understand. I got to listen. Give them the opportunity to not necessarily from an argumentative standpoint but to be able to voice what they see the issue is. To give their understanding, what their concerns are and to be able to own it and how come it’s important to them, and just sit and listen. Silence is okay. Allow the silence to sit and see where it goes, and be okay to just sit.

If we are constantly interrupting, and if they say something, that maybe you don’t agree with and you say, “No, that’s not the way it is.” And you’re constantly interrupting and coming back and pushing back, they’re going to shut down and you’re not going to have a conversation. You’re going to have a monologue. They’re going to sit and listen to you and they put a wall up. So, allow them in.

• Remember about the openness.
• Remember about the empathy.
• Remember about the relationship.
• Remember about the safety.

In the last episode. Be willing to sit back and listen, and don’t get caught in the details. See, where they’re coming from.

Then, the next stage is: Being curious.

See, we can,

• When we hear what their position is,
• When we hear what’s their concerns,
• And when we hear their arguments or their points.

We have the ability to go back at them and start attacking them one at a time. Say, “No that’s not right because of this. No that’s not right because of this. Well, maybe you have a point there.”

But what that does is, now that’s in effect keeping score. Three on one side, one on the other side, I win; type of a thing. We don’t want to keep score. The better way to go is to say, it’s kind of the Columbo Method. “I’m curious, help me understand.”

Those are great language patterns to use, to say, “I am curious what about that caused you the angst so I understand it better.” That’s a whole lot different than coming at it from a point in perspective. Or to simply say, “Help me understand this.” So, “Because I’m not understanding or help clarify it for me.”

And so, using curiosity is your friend to understand better what’s going on in this conversation. We will take, we will move the conversation towards understanding, towards communication and not towards shutdown.

Then, let’s try to clarify some sort of Resolution. Where do we go from here?

So,

• We’ve listened,
• We’ve been curious,
• We’ve understood,
• We’ve understood who’s taken and owned parts of what it is,
• We understand now what the importance is.

So, now let’s say, “So, where can we go from here? What do you think? How can we come up with a resolution?”

Now, certainly if I’m in a boss, in a boss situation; I can dictate the resolution but here’s the thing—if we really want the resolution to be a resolution that is embraced and that people are enrolled in then it really is something that we ought to come up with together, to come into agreement with.

My good friend says that, “People support.” Brendon Burchard, he says, “People support what they create.” And that’s exactly the same thing in the resolution.

If we come up with a resolution together, they’re more likely to see it through. If we dictate the resolution to them, now in some cases we need to but we can find our way around that in most cases where we can come to some agreement. So, find out what that meaningful resolution is and come to some level of agreement between you of how we move forward.

And in the process to wrap this up, you’ve now had the conversation; to wrap this up, there’s one other piece that I try to look at and say, “Alright so, how do we make sure that we don’t necessarily go through this again?”

What do we need to do to put into place so there is open communication and that there is an understanding at a different level so we’ve got a resolution in place, agreement in place that we can move forward with the confidence and the trust and the empathy in a way that everyone understands. And I think that when you do that you’ve put a nice little bow on this conversation.

Now I know that many times conversations can be emotional and they can be difficult and I get that. And yet, if we can stay true to what the outcome is which is ultimately building that relationship and what our objective is that we clarified in the planning process and we can try to move our way through these 9 elements of the resolution roadmap.

You will go long ways to coming out the other side. Not only achieving the results that you’re looking for, for yourself but achieving results and understanding for the other parties to the conversation as they move forward because in this process, embedded in this process and in this conversation is allowing yourself to understand and listen to them, so you can try to serve their needs just the same.

And I’ve used this kind of framework and this kind of process like I said in high-stakes negotiations, buying and selling of businesses and properties, mediations, conversations. And as you move through this, as you get more used to it, it’ll just become second nature. It will become part of your dialogue, part of your demeanor as you show up in these kinds of things.

But in the meantime, here’s what you need to do is you need to look at it and say, “I need to use this as a checklist.” And we’ve got the resolution roadmap. You can download it as I said by going to MelAbraham.com/session041. To get it and use that, use the tools that we have for you.

You develop your ability to communicate effectively.
You develop your ability to have conversations, difficult conversations, high stakes conversations at a level that really moves people.

The world is yours because now all of a sudden, you can engage and enroll people in your vision, in your mission. They will fight for you, they will go to battle for you because they understand you and they feel like they’re part of the army of champions that are on your side.

So, I hope that you found this of value. Again, use this tool as the vehicle when you’re moving through those conversations. If you haven’t already, make sure that you subscribe so I can be there with you. It’s one way that I can be your entrepreneurial mentor as you move through your journey as an entrepreneur, as a business owner; building wealth, building success.

And I’m there to be able to answer questions and like I’ve said in other episodes; if you have questions for me about wealth, success, business, entrepreneurship, whatever you’ve got; go to AskMelNow.com. Leave me your questions and I’ll make sure that I get to them on one of the upcoming episodes of The Entrepreneur’s Solution show; to make sure that you’re supported on your journey as we move forward.

And again, if you haven’t done so already, subscribe. Stay with me. I’d love to have you on the journey. Subscribe so I can continually get you the information that I think will serve you, support you as you build and move forward.

And do me a favor. And it would mean a lot to me if you would share this with a friend. Share it with someone that is on a journey or wants to go on the entrepreneurial journey. Give them access to the same tools. Give them access to the same training that they can have at their fingertips. That’s training and tools that have been used by me and my clients and businesses around the world to develop businesses that are meaningful, impactful and profitable in the process.

And so again, if you want to get the tools go to MelAbraham.com/session041. And if you’re not at your computer, go ahead and just text MYLEGACY one-word no-spaces to 38470. We’ll make sure we get you the download link.

And until we get a chance to see each other in the next episode,

May your vision be grand, your journey epic, and your legacy significant!

Thanks again. See you soon. Cheers. Bye!!

— End Transcript —

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Like this? Please share it and help a few more people bring their dreams out of the darkness and give life to them again. Cheers, Mel

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